Casino

Clever Books

There's a regular game of eight guys playing 3-6 NL. One day a regular brings a friend to come and play. He brings with him a stack of poker books, at the top is Super System. The regulars chuckle and start playing their normal game. Along comes a big pot, heads up between the newcomer and a regular. The game goes to the river and the regular bets (board is 10-8-J-K-Q no flush draw). The newbie sits and ponders for a little, then goes all - in. The guy starts contemplating the call, and then the newbie reaches for his drink, knocks over the top book, and reveals "How to bluff and win at poker". He says "oops" in an honest manner, and restacks the books. The regular ponders for a few seconds more and calls. The newbie shows the nuts, walks off a hundred bucks richer. He leaves the book on the table, a regular calls out to him "hey man, don't you want your books?" He replies, "No, it looks like you guys need them more than I do". When he's gone, the regulars open the book and it's empty except for 1 word on the first page, "Don't."

Told by Doyle Brunson in his book "Poker Wisdom of a Champion"

Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good slot player this year. I've played only one machine at a time when requested. I've cleaned up after myself when I was finished playing a machine. I've pointed out to other players when their slot club cards didn't register. I've watched machines for other players when they've had to leave for a moment and I've never left a machine I've reserved for more than 5-10 minutes. I've tipped the slot personnel a little extra when they've given me extra good service. I've even tried to not get upset when people near me were winning and I was losing.

As you can see, Santa, I've been really good this year, and this is what I would like. Feel free to give me as many of these things as you can.

I would like my favorites casinos to keep their machines clean and in good working order. No more muck on the screens and buttons. All the screens will be bright and in focus. All the lights in the buttons will work and none of the buttons will be sticky or inoperative. The bill acceptors will stop being so finicky about the bills I put into them and the slot club card readers will read my card successfully the first time, every time.

Santa, I'd like each machine to have a comfortable seat in front of it, preferably one I can move back and forth. Fixed seats just don't cut it for me because I need to sit a little farther back from the machines than the 5-foot, 90-pound grandmas who take the bus down to Atlantic City. And I'd like more slant-top machines, because I find them more comfortable to play. Oh, and Santa, no more annoying glare on the screens or drafts from the ventilation.

I'd like each hopper fill or hand pay to take no more than 15 minutes. Hey, Santa, while we're at it, can you give ticket printers to my favorite casinos to install on their machines? Ideally, when I want to cash out, the machine will ask me whether I want a ticket or coins. That way, I can get tickets and players who want coins can get them too.

I'd like each casino to design a main path through the casino floor and indicate it in the carpeting. This way I can leave the beaten path and go off to explore all the nooks and crannies the slot floor designers have created and still find my way back to the main drag to get to the rooms, the rest rooms, and the restaurants.

I'd like the slot aisles to be wide and the machines to be properly spaced so I don't have to squeeze my way through the aisles or feel squeezed in while I'm playing.

You know I don't smoke, Santa, so I'd like my favorite casinos to have non-smoking sections with good selections of machines.

Now, Santa, let's turn to a very important area. This has not been a good year for me at the machines. In fact, I think I'm long overdue for another royal flush. I'd like it if you could throw one or two my way in the coming year. If that's asking too much, then I'd settle for a handful of mid-level jackpots.

Finally, if it's not too much trouble and you can arrange it, I'd like to hit the Megabucks.

Thank you very much and Merry Christmas

Are You Gay?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow." Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!" Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then."

10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
3. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
5. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.
10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."

The Las Vegas Cab Ride

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Borrowed money

Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won't leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?"

So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot's reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."

Open door

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
" You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

Can't lose

Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend. Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!"

Money for operation

A guy wins a big jackpot on a slot machine in Vegas. As it is paying out
of the machine, but before the pit boss reaches the lucky winner, a haggard man approaches him and says, "I don't mean to disturb you during your big moment, but my wife is sick and needs an operation. Could you see your way clear to giving me $5,000 of your winnings?"

The guy says, "Well, it's all well and good for you to say that, and if it's true I sympathize, but how do I know you're not going to turn around and just gamble it away?"

The haggard man responds, "Oh, I got gambling money."

Wild Cat

A stranger walks into a saloon and gets a drink. He sees a poker game and asks if he can play. He's told to take a seat. It's a no limit 5-card draw game and he's a pretty good player. After about an hour of so-so hands, he draws Aces full and makes a sizable bet. The old guy across from him raises all-in and the stranger calls. The old guy lays down 23457o and reaches for the chips.

"Whoa, there. I've got Aces-full."

"Yeah, but I've got a wild cat.", says the old guy.

"A wild cat? What the hell is a wild cat?"

"A wild cat is 23457 off-suit." Like this, "Says the old man."

The stranger starts to burn and says, "I've played a lot of poker, but I've never heard of a wild cat."

"Well, if you've played a lot of poker, you oughta know that you should learn the house rules before you play. And this here's a house rule." At that,the old guy points to a sign just over the stranger's right shoulder. The sign says, "House Rule - Wild Cat is a 23457 off-suit and it beats everything"

Being a gentleman and an honorable gambler, the stranger takes his lumps and settles back for more poker.

Several hours later, the stranger is dealt 23457o. He bets and the same old guy raises him the pot. Without the slightest hint of a tell, the stranger raises all-in. The old guy calls and lays down an ace high flush, and reaches for the chips.

"Whoa there! I've got a wild cat.", says the stranger as he lays down his cards.

"Nice hand.", says the old guy as he scoops up the pot. "What did I tell you about house rules?", as he points to a sign over the stranger's left shoulder.

"House Rule -Wild Cat - Only Good Once a Night"

Omaha Explained

What you do is get four cards. Doesn't matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river. Same betting scenario as before. Doesn't really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports.) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and the winning hand is usually found out after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah, sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again. Fun game.

Top 5 ways to appear Pro

New to the game but don't want others to know? no sweat. Here's what you do:

1) Quote from Rounders every chance you get. Especially if someone asks you what you had in the hand that just ended. Be sure to say "i'm sorry John, but i don't remember."

2) Talk loudly about how the WSOP was better when there were only 800 players instead of 2000+. Instant old school cred!

3) Refer to poker pros by their first names only - instead of saying "phil hellmuth", just say "phil". this gives the impression that you actually know them.

4) Get a business card that says: "your name - poker player." Wait, no, even better: "your name - PROFESSIONAL poker player."

5) Lose a ton of money and act like it doesn't matter to you.

Top 5 ways to win at 2-4

1) Play every hand that looks pretty. It only costs two dollars before the flop and you could win a $40 pot.

2) Don't raise with aces. A hand that strong you want as many people in the pot as possible so you can maximize your profit.

3) When you hear that a draw has 20-1 odds, focus on the one time it will happen, not the 20 it won't. Think positive!

4) Read phil's book and follow his advice in the limit chapter TO THE LETTER. Remember: be an EAGLE, NOT A MOUSE

5) Fold a lot. Oh no, wait, I forgot this was humor

Top 5 ways to impress people in chat

Now you know how to impress players in live play. But people can't see your sunglasses and hat when you play online, so what can you do? one word: chat!

1) Type in all capitals. This conveys an unmistakable air of authority.

2) Take any opportunity you can get to show off your knowledge of poker. Remember, knowledge is power, and you want to appear powerful.

3) Speed is more important than accuracy. Type as fast as you can and don't worry about stupid shit like spelling or grammar.

4) Everyone is impressed by profanity, but most sites have installed measures to block profanity in chat. You can doubly impress fellow players with clever workarounds like inserting spaces, underscores and non-english profanity.

5) ASCII art is the coolest thing EVER, especially when in the form of genitalia.

Top 5 ways to impress 3-6 players

Some of the toughest poker players in the world sit at B&M 3-6 tables. Here are some ways to earn their respect:

1) Wear sunglasses and a hat, preferably a poker-related hat. Nothing says "don't mess with this guy" like a party poker hat.

2) Take a long time to think about every play. This lets players know you're not some jerk who makes snap decisions. even if it's 83o UTG, take at least 30 seconds.

3) Call at least 5 hands per hour down to the river even if you're pretty sure that you're beat. You can't let those pros push you around.

4) As soon as you sit down, ask the player next to you "how's the action been?" in a whispered tone. Whatever he/she says, nod knowingly.

5) Buy in for $500, all $1 chips, and play right out of your rack.

Top 5 Reasons you're ready for the WSOP

Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501:

1) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you money in those, like, all the time.

2) You have a pair of novelty sunglasses that would freak out even Greg Raymer.

3) You have bought every single poker book sold by amazon.com. On top of that, you have serious plans to read some of them. Eventually.

4) They say the WSOP is a collection of local champions, and you *bliamba*ing dominate your weekly home game. Of course, there was that time your 8 year old sister checkraised you with a set, and that other time she bluffed you with 9 high, and a few times where you just quit in anger after she cracked the aces you didn't raise preflop with, and that game where you thought you had a flush but your novelty sunglasses caused you to misread your hole cards and last week where you just didn't get any cards, damnit - but other than that, you dominate.

5) The buttoned-down working world just doesn't get individuals like you. This is your ticket out of their square-ass world full of rules and responsibilities [and health insurance and retirement plans and regular pay, but man, don't forget those oppressive rules].

Quit your job, sell you house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe.

The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.

He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.

The voice says, "Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.

The voice says, "Fuck."

Four Playing Poker

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!

Bill Gates gets a Poker Lesson

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says, "Bill you're such a unique individual that we've decided to give you a choice between heaven and hell."
Bill thinks about this and asks if he can get a look at the two options.
St. Peter says, "Sure, I've got a couple of windows you can look through."
So he opens the window to heaven and Bill sees lots of angels sitting on clouds plucking harps.
Peter then opens the second window to hell. It's a brightly lit casino - lots of people drinking, laughing, and having a good time. There are naked dancing girls on stage and in the corner a nice little poker room. Doyle, Mike and other poker greats are playing Bill's favorite $3-$6 Hold'em. There's an empty seat with chips and they wave at Bill to come join them in the game. Bill tells Saint Peter that he's decided that hell looks like its more fun than heaven and he wants to join the poker game. Saint Peter snaps his fingers and Bill's wish is granted.

Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home.
Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?"
Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".

The Leprechaun

A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."

Business as usual at the Mirage

In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one pussy-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my *bliamba*ing wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk ****s out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherfucker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."

Poker Face

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and p*** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began p***ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could p*** all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"