Short

Buy a pizza

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off of your doorstep?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Pizza and Poker Player

What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?

A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.

Floorperson and God

What's the difference between a floorperson and God?

God doesn't think he's a floorperson.

Jungle Poker

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
Because there were too many cheetahs.

Beat the Casino

What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas?

When you get off the plane walk into the propellers!

Clams Casino

How's a casino like a woman?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

Prayer For The Winning

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Gambling Husband...

"No wife can endure a gambling husband unless he's a steadywinner."

Split tens

Q: When is the only time you split tens?

A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.

A Bum Asks a Man for $2

The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Webster's Definition of Lottery

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Poker Advice

Never do card tricks for the group you play with.

Gamblers Anonymous

Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.

3 dollars a year

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Mind Bet

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

3 Poker Dont's

Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.

Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.

Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I join in".

Black-Sheep Blackjack

Q: When is the only time you split tens?
A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.

Angry Old Women

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Dog & Poker Player

Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.

The Two Rules for Ultimate Success in Poker

Never tell everything you know.