Women

Poker or Her

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Bingo card

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.
One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"

Big gambling problem

Tony, had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino.

Then one night, Tony didn't came home at all.

Finally he arrived home at 9 AM. His wife was furious at him.

Tony smiled at her and said, "I have something to confess, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the barmaid. We had the most incredible sex ever."

"Don't give me that rubbish," his wife snapped. "Come on, tell me, how much did you lose last night?"

At what stake?

Bill was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the swine, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

"You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her." the man answered calmly, "I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her."

"Okay," replied Bill, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point as well?"

Betting the manager

One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."

Losing the bet

Bubba is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says Bubba, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"
"Well you see," answers Bubba, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, "I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight". That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

Three wives in Las Vegas

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore di** and an a$$ full of quarters."

Letter from a girl

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

Lady bet

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Poker Player and His Wife

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Mary Lou

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

A Trip to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

Poker Tattoo

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."

True age?

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

A naked surprise

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Playing Poker with the Rent Money

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Pack Up

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."